Praise be to Allaah.
Firstly: it is not appropriate for the husband to hasten to
make divorce conditional upon something that the wife does. If he does that,
then she is divorced. In many cases the husband regrets it after that, but
at a time when this regret does not benefit him.
You made a mistake when you made your wife's divorce
conditional on her not obeying you. That is not part of treating her kindly.
It is something that is very harsh on the wife, because you may tell her to
do something that harms her or something that is not pleasing to her or
something that is very difficult for her, then the wife will be caught
between a rock and a hard place: either she obeys you reluctantly, and that
will undoubtedly have a negative effect on the relationship between you, or
she will not obey you and then divorce will happen.
If a person makes divorce of his wife conditional upon
something, if his aim in doing so was merely to frighten her and threaten
her, then it comes under the ruling on oaths, and he has to offer expiation
for breaking an oath (kafaarat yameen) if she does that on which her divorce
was made conditional, but it does not count as a divorce. If his aim was
indeed that divorce should happen, then it does count as a divorce if she
does the thing on which divorce was made conditional.
See the answer to question number
With regard to whether divorce has taken place because she
disobeyed you with regard to something that came up before these words were
spoken, it depends on your intention. If when you said that, you meant all
your commands to her, past and future, then divorce has taken place; but if
you meant whatever commands came after stipulating this condition of
divorce, then divorce has not taken place.
And Allaah knows best.