Monday, 8 August 2011

Her husband no longer treats her well because she had a relationship with another man

Her husband no longer treats her well because she had a relationship with another man
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My problem in brief is that I knew a man through a forum then messenger then mobile. My husband found out about this relationship and was very angry. He said to me: “You would be divorced if we do not have children, but I will be patient and will marry another woman.” 

I knew my mistake and I have repented and started over new page. I seek Allah’s forgiveness and thank Him all the time. But my husband keeps insulting me all the time until I hated him, but I have to be patient, I tried to love him and obey him in matters I was not obeying him about before. I am tired of his demands but I do not say any word objecting to this. He keeps insulting and slandering me, he does not stop reminding me of the previous relationship with the other man. Few months later, that man started calling me and sending text messages again. I feared my husband’s reaction; as he asks me to answer in front of him if any strange number rings. If I refuse he says to me: “answer, it may be that man” and if I answer and find it wrong number he says: “It must be a code between you”. 

What shall I do? I became in constant fear of my mobile, I hide it all the time, and I fear it rings while my husband is around; because he would doubt me. 

What shall I do with that man? I am bored of my life, I wish I die. All I can do is recite Quraan.


Praise be to Allaah.

Desire continues to grow in the heart of the son of Adam
until it destroys him, and no one is deprived of contentment but he will
find himself lost in the valleys of confusion and depression, turning right
and left in the hope of finding that which he wishes and longs for to give
him satisfaction, but nothing will fill the heart of the son of Adam but
dust, and Allaah accepts the repentance of those who repent. 

The worst of desire is that which leads to transgression
against the sanctity and honour of others, such as desire for the wives of
other Muslims which leads to transgression against their honour, or when
women desire young Muslim men and a woman is not content with the husband
with whom Allaah has blessed her. The Muslims all know that pleasure cannot
be attained by disobeying Allaah, may He be exalted, and that happiness can
only be attained by obeying and heeding the sacred limits of Allaah. 

Sin was the cause that led to the downfall of previous
nations. Do you think that it can be the cause of a person’s happiness? Sin
is also the path that leads to punishment, so do you want it to being

Allaah, may He be glorified and exalted, says (interpretation
of the meaning): 

“And whatever of misfortune befalls you, it is because of
what your hands have earned. And He pardons much”

[al-Shoora 42:30] 

It may be easy to fall into error, because the nafs is
inclined towards sin in pursuit of pleasure and whims and desires. But it is
difficult to bear the consequences and effects of those mistakes. 

Ibn al-Qayyim (may Allaah have mercy on him) said: 

Patience in resisting desires is easier than patience in
dealing with the consequences that result from going along with desires,
because it either leads to pain and punishment or it prevents a more
complete pleasure, or it wastes time and leads to loss and regret, or it is
a violation of honour which one is better off not violating, or it is a loss
of wealth, keeping which is better than losing it, or it leads to a loss of
status and position, keeping which is better than losing it, or it deprives
one of a blessing, having which is more pleasurable and better than
fulfilling desires, or it gives an ignoble person cause to insult you when
he did not have this opportunity before, or it brings distress, sadness and
fear that cannot be matched by the pleasure of desire, or causes one to
forget knowledge, remembering which is better than fulfilling desires, or it
makes an enemy rejoice and makes a friend sad, or it cuts off an oncoming
blessing, or it has a negative impact on one’s character that will remain,
because deeds have a great impact on one’s character and behaviour. End

Al-Fawaa’id (p. 139) 

And now the problem that you are facing today is no more than
the result of your accumulated mistakes and the sins that you took lightly,
then you did not repent properly from them. 

As for your talking to that young man, it is one of the worst
things that could be done by a woman whom Allaah has blessed with a husband,
home and children. It is sufficient for her to look at the misery endured by
many others who are deprived of happy homes and a life of ease. 

Your husband has taken care of rebuking and blaming you. He
tells you every day words that would make mountains tremble – as you
describe it. The point here is that you should understand in the depths of
your heart the seriousness of the error you have made. 

As for what you say about your not fulfilling his desires and
needs before that, this is another sin which has had a big impact in
changing the situation of your family and bringing about this pain and

Did you not know that obedience to the husband is obligatory
and that serving him and responding to his call and fulfilling his needs is
one of the best things that a wife can do, both before Allaah and before
other people?  It was narrated that Abu Sa’eed al-Khudri (may Allaah have
mercy on him) said: A man came to the Prophet (peace and blessings of
Allaah be upon him) and said: O Messenger of Allaah, this daughter of mine
refuses to get married. The Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be
upon him) said to her: “Obey your father.” She said: By the One Who sent you
with the truth, I will not get married until you tell me what the husband’s
rights over his wife are. He said: “The husband’s rights over his wife are
such that if he had an ulcer and she licked it, she would not have fulfilled
his rights.” Narrated by al-Nasaa’i in al-Sunan al-Kubra (2/283).
Al-Mundhiri said in al-Targheeb wa’l-Tarheeb (3/98): Its isnaad is
jayyid. It was classed as saheeh by al-Albaani in Saheeh al-Jaami’

We will tell you frankly: The remedy begins with this idea: 

It starts with obeying and pleasing Allaah, may He be
glorified, because calamities start with disobedience towards Him. Allaah
has promised the penitent that He will turn his bad deeds into good ones,
and He has promised to bestow grace and reward. 

Repentance starts by resolving to give up the sin that one
has committed, and to cut off all haraam ties. In your case it starts with
cancelling the mobile phone altogether, and not going back to it until your
husband agrees to buy you a new number. If you do this then you will have
proven to your husband and to yourself that you are sincere in your
repentance and your desire to mend your ways. 

How can you want your husband to overlook the past when you
yourself have not overlooked it and are going back to it?! 

Your husband has done you a great favour by giving you
another chance to live with him. Perhaps the real reason for that is that he
loves you, otherwise the logical sequence of events would have been for this
story to lead to scandal, separation and divorce. But Allaah has blessed you
and been kind to you, by concealing you and giving you a house and a family,
so you must show kindness to your husband in return, and observe the limits
of Allaah concerning him, and cut off all ties and all means of getting back
in touch with this man who has transgressed against you. But what you did
was to repeat the mistake and persist in sin and take the matter of
repentance lightly. 

Do you expect that after that you will helped to change for
the better? 

How can you allow yourself to listen again to the voice of
that young man and receive messages from him again? How can you go back to
burdening your husband with the stress of waswaas that affects every man who
sees something suspicious on his wife’s part? How can you expect him to
trust you again when you have not shown yourself to be trustworthy? We
affirm to you that continuing in this manner will lead to a greater loss
than that which you are facing now. Think about your situation if your
husband tells your family about what you are doing. Undoubtedly the stress
you will face will be worse than what you are facing now.  We urge you to
mend your ways as it is essential. You have already made a good start, but
you have a long way to go. We advise you to fear Allaah and be keen to take
care of your house, husband and family. Do not pay attention to anything but
seeking the pleasure of Allaah; let that be your concern. Be steadfast and
do not despair. Keep trying and do not stop treating your husband kindly and
obeying him in that which is good and proper. Do not be put off by your
husband’s bad treatment. If you are sincere towards Allaah in adhering to
His laws, He will set things straight for you with your husband, even if it
is after a while; He will restore the happiness you seek and will ward off
all temptation and misery from you. What does anyone want in life but a
quiet life in good health as a true slave of Allaah? If Allaah blessed a
person with any of that, let him strive to protect the blessing by giving
thanks for it and fearing Allaah with regard to it. Contentment is a
treasure that never fades away. 

We ask Allaah for guidance, help and happiness. 

And Allaah knows best.

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